So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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