Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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