Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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