I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
