i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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