Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
