he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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