My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
