I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
