I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
