apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize