I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
