I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
