I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
