You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
