Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
