you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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