i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
