Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize