whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
