Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
pop tarts are not kleenex
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
