That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
