The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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