you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
only if we run a train.
done.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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