I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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