i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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