I just made out with a guy for $7.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
