Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
