I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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