having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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