I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
