R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
