there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
