I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize