Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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