I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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