I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
FUCK WHALES
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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