Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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