Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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