If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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