Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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