I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
