Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
