Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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