god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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