do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
