is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
