I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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