I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you had me at cake vodka
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Randomize
