"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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