Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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