True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
