I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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