so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
