People in love make me want to vomit
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
