he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
