Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I look better un-naked...
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
FUCK WHALES
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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