i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
They are going to name an STD after you.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
