jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
